Anger. Resentment. Guilt. Bitterness. Pain. Hurt. Isolation. Loneliness.
The emotions of a young girl.
Born in the UK to a loving but traditional Indian family meant freedom and growth was forbidden as a child. As a young girl, I was not allowed out to go and play with my school friends, and if they knocked on my door, I had to send them away. Social interaction was discouraged outside of the family.
I was forced into several ‘inappropriate’ situations by the time I was 10.….my family had no idea. Parents always try to protect you from the monsters outside the home, but nobody warns you about those that are welcome in.
I told no one. I remained quite. I began to fall into a dark, unfamiliar place. I felt dirty. I felt guilty. I reacted by being a pissed off, anger fuelled, bad tempered primary school bully, who unsurprisingly, not many liked or wanted to be around.
So as a young girl, I had learned the wrong lessons in life. I questioned everything and trusted no one and lived with a very distorted and toxic view of the world. I couldn’t process my feelings. I didn’t understand them. Nothing made sense.
I discovered a small compartment in my mind. This was my 'box'. I was able to put things in my box and simply carry on!
The inappropriate memories and experiences were placed in my BOX and I carried on.
In my secondary years, both my older sisters were happily married off and moved miles away. I felt lost. I felt lonely. I was sad and traumatised. I had lost my confidence and my sense of identity. I felt abandoned. I had no choice but to find a path that I could walk on my own.
The sadness and trauma of losing my sisters was placed in my BOX and I carried on.
I chose the path of education. I was the first girl in my family, allowed to stay on for further education. My friends were a tight knit circle of girls. They had become my guides in the absence of my sisters. I wanted them to hold my hand and show me the way forward. Except, falling out with one of them meant falling out with all of them. I had to deal with threats, abusive phone calls and verbal abuse. I became withdrawn and spent a year in isolation. I was scared to go out. I was scared to go school. I would wake every morning and get my uniform on. I would pretend I was going to school as my parents left for work. But I didn't leave the house.
This was my introduction to the world of 'anxiety'.
The fear and anxiety were placed in my BOX and I carried on.
Once I had graduated and began working, I started rebelling. Years of promiscuity followed. After 2 years of partying with my white boyfriend and hiding it very well from my family, it was time to get married off to a suitable Indian guy. My boyfriend and I decided to go our separate ways and I agreed to get married to a man acceptable to my family.
There was just one problem… 3 weeks later I realised I was pregnant. My secret life full of freedom, independence and an unacceptable relationship had come back to bite me. I learned the art of ‘denial’.
The denial was placed in my BOX and I carried on.
After some time when I couldn’t physically hide it any longer, I came clean. It was not pretty. I knew my family could not accept a mixed-race child out of wedlock, so all I could do was leave.
That night, I packed my bags and left everything that I trusted, loved and knew. I was officially ‘disowned’.
The pain of this experience was placed in my BOX and I carried on.
I made it through the pregnancy with the support of my friends, colleagues and my baby’s father.
8 months later my beautiful healthy son was born!!! I was overjoyed! I was so happy! He was so perfect!
Little did I know – now that survival mode was over, the worst was yet to come.
The BOX? Well, it hadn't just opened, it EXPLODED! Everything within the box, was now spilling out and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get any of it back in!
I broke. I crumbled. I fell into a million pieces.
I became reliant on mild substances just to find a way of numbing my internal pain and anguish.
The depression I felt at the loss of my Mum, Dad and siblings was darker than ever before. I was sad. Really really sad.
I couldn’t just carry on anymore. I tried so hard but the pain and the hurt just went deeper and deeper. I wanted my Mum. I wanted her smell and warmth. I wanted her to hold me and never let me go.
The memories of what I had learned by 10 years old, were haunting me above all else. They were at the fore front and they were all I could think about. My body felt actual pain from the daily growing knot in the pit of my stomach, I felt helpless.
I met a man who is now my amazing husband, eventually he urged me to get help. After 2 years of failing miserably at creating a new box, I finally went to my Doctor. He referred me for counselling. I accepted the first lot of help from a qualified counsellor. This was it! This was finally going to fix me!
I still remember that session like it was yesterday. I sat down, she asked me one question and off I went. It wasn't easy to watch. There was snot and tears everywhere. But I had finally accepted and acknowledged years and years of pain. At the end of the session, I eagerly anticipated her remedy.
'Your issues are too big, I can't help you' she said.
There was no coming back from this. After all, if a professionally qualified Counsellor couldn't handle me for 60 minutes, I must be 'unfixable'.
In the meantime, my depression and anxiety gained more power. I was exhausted from carrying all of this with me for every waking moment for years. I hit rock bottom.
Through my tears and pain, I looked at my husband and finally said the words out loud…… ‘LET ME DIE’.
I cried a lot. I felt like I didn’t belong and I spent the following few days, numb. I did as I was told. Wash, eat, sleep, go for walks. I just did it. I didn’t have the energy to fight. Looking back, I see that I was spending all of my energy weighing things up.
I was at my Crossroads. To Live or to Die?
This also became my turning point!
The realisation set in once I had said the words out loud. Could I let my baby grow up without the unconditional love of a mother? Could I abandon him as I had been abandoned?
The answer was NO!
My answer was full of anger. It was full of power and determination. I knew I had a long way to go but I had made up my mind. I didn’t care if professionals said I was beyond help. I didn’t care that my previous attempts at sorting myself out, had failed. I didn’t care that life had been tough and I felt abandoned. I had to fix this. No one else was going to, it had to be all ME!
My only mission now was to find a way to REIGNITE MY HAPPINESS.
My journey to recovery wasn’t easy but it was my most courageous journey yet! I spent 6 years in therapy and worked though my wounds. I finally ‘processed’ things that had exploded from my box.
I learned coping mechanisms, strategies and tools to move forward. I learned and adopted the power of CBT, the power of visualisation and I broke through my limiting beliefs!
My relationship with my family was given the chance to heal. I continued my journey with a further 3 years of self healing where I used the knowledge learned to gain back power and control. I volunteered to work with vulnerable adults and moved on to volunteer for a ‘suicide helpline’. Then, I finally decided to answer the new voice in my head.
I accepted this new part of me with open arms and completed:
Diploma in Life Coaching
Certified NLP Practitioner
Certified NLP Coach
Certified Time Line Therapist
I found my way back to an unfound level of happiness and I absolutely love life again! Average just wasn’t going to do!
I changed my dreams into goals and learned to believe in myself. Growth is now home.
My relationship with my family is stronger than ever. I am married to my best friend and I am blessed with a son who has a beautiful soul. I am finally living my dream!
I now own my own Coaching business. I have confidence, determination and complete peace of mind that I can achieve whatever goal I set myself.
All my experiences have allowed me to empower other Professionals to live up to their true potential.
We ALL deserve a life full of happiness! We are ALL worthy of reigniting our happiness and I would be happy honoured to guide you to yours. With happiness, we are unstoppable in any part of life!
Jazz Pitt. The girl who chose to LIVE like never before!